Virtual Dating Assistant = Bad First Date

Why Sourcing Out Your Online Love Life Just Doesn’t Work!

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

“Now which one are you again?” he said.

I nearly choked on the sip of Prosecco I’d just taken in.

I mean, I know that when you go on a date with someone you’ve met online there is the assumption that you’re probably not the ONLY person with whom said date is conversing but seriously? That has got to be one of the WORST things you can say to the gal you’ve just met across the table.

Unless you really mean it.

Scratch that. Even then.

It only dawned on me later what had happened here. This man was very wealthy. He clearly didn’t invest much energy in other people because he had money to take care of that. And he didn’t invest much energy in online dating either because he was sourcing out his love life.

This was the first time I’d encountered someone who knew nothing about me because he’d clearly NOT been the person I’d been chatting with online. This man had hired a Virtual Dating Assistant. Though I cannot confirm this (i.e. he didn’t tell me), there has been a lot of press on men (and it is mostly men) who are so busy or self-important that they can’t even be bothered to look online for their own dates. So they hire some dude for like $2000 to do it for them. This guy writes his client’s profile (which was good btw…that’s the ONLY reason I responded because I’m picky about writing and as I’ve mentioned previously, don’t usually date online because people think I’m doing research), sends emails to potential femmes and eventually gets their client on a date.

The reason I think this is what happened here is that I too knew very little about my date before I showed up. I was hesitant when he asked for my phone number pretty quickly in the process but I was going on the strength of his profile and decided to take a chance. In other words, I broke all of my own online dating rules. I guess they count on that.

And when he didn’t pursue me, I pursued him (when will I learn?).  And when he finally texted “When are we having dinner?” I said “I’m free tomorrow” (so much for looking unavailable).

I set a place close to where I live so I didn’t have to invest too much time myself since I knew very little about this man (my way of re-equilibrating the dating odds here) and I knew I would let him pay because he’d made ME join the dating service for a month to correspond (he only sent me an “icebreaker” in the beginning).

But, what I never expected when I met him was that he’d really have NO idea who I was. I mean, one would think that if a man was interested in actually finding someone he would bother to read her profile before meeting up. Virtual Dating Assistant or not! I swear this guy had NO idea who I was.

Then he spent the whole first part of the date trying to get his phone to send a text message to some foreign businessmen he was meeting up with after me (it’s SO fun to be on a date with a man who doesn’t know who you are who is busy with his phone…NOT). I offered my phone at one point just to get him to chat with me instead of his non-functioning Blackberry but it didn’t work.

Whatever. I knew I wasn’t interested in the first three minutes of the date (actually the first 20 seconds when I realized his photo had been taken when he was probably 18 whereas he was now about 40 and looked NOTHING like his online persona). Things got REALLY interesting, however, when he started to tell me about his alien sighting. You know, I’m REALLY open and think it would be closed-minded of us to think we were all alone in the universe but when the guy came back to this story like 5 times over the course of an hour I started to think “OMG…is he serious?” I mean, how about asking me a question about myself instead of citing the aliens again and again and again????? Especially since you don’t even apparently know which online chick I am.

When the check finally came at least he was a gentleman and grabbed it (oh, and he chewed with his mouth shut…thank goodness). As we walked out of there I gave him a very polite kiss on the cheek and breathed a sigh of relief as I escaped to my apartment and he jumped in his black Mercedes.

But when he texted me later to tell me that the date was “awesome” I just laughed. I mean, were we on the same date?

But what really struck me when he asked me out the next night and I politely declined was that the problem with virtual dating is that you may think it gives you a head start on the online dating game but the reality is, it puts you behind. If you walk into a date not knowing whom you’re meeting or anything about them because someone else has done all the initial contact, you’re setting up a lie. This guy may have thought it was time management but I don’t think it served him at all to hire a service.

I am an online dating coach, so I’m not against getting help presenting yourself online. But this is different. I NEVER answer emails for someone. And if I’m helping someone with their profile I work hard to make sure it sounds like them…with word choices they’d make in real life…not things I would say. Because the reality here is…if someone shows up and has been clever online but is a dud in person, I’m not going to be interested. I probably would have rather dated the Virtual Dating Assistant who wrote all of the responses for my alien-spotting friend than the real life version who showed up and paid for my salad and Prosecco.

So, any men out there who are thinking of hiring someone to do their online dirty work for them? I would caution you. Because unless you’re planning to send your “assistant” to meet the girl for a drink too, you’d better do your homework and at least PRETEND like you care. Otherwise, your assistant will be laughing all the way to the bank and you will still find yourself single.