From Hookup to Happily Ever After

From Hookup to Happily Ever After

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

So you got jiggy with that hottie really fast huh? Well, before you do the walk of shame down the this-relationship-is-doomed road, listen up. New statistics show that not only is it possible for your one night stand to transition into his-and-hers nightstands, it’s becoming more common.

In fact, in a recent Match.com survey of more than 15,000 readers, 52% of respondents said they’d had a casual copulation turn into bonafide couple-dom (48% had not). And another survey showed that 36% of singles are open to a fling in the future. These results don’t necessarily condone hookups as a way of finding your forever love. But they do suggest that all is not lost if you realize you might actually be interested in seeing this person again after the next morning’s awkward “Have you seen my underwear?” moment.

“There’s less stigma attached to casual sex today and therefore it’s probable that both parties involved in a hookup are also less likely to make stereotypical assumptions,” says Dr. Karin Anderson, an Associate Professor of Psychology at Concordia University Chicago and author of It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet.  “Men in the new millennium may not immediately judge a woman for ‘putting out’ the first time they met.  Similarly, today’s women may experience less post-hook-up shame.  The result?  Both individuals carry away less baggage from the hookup and hence the possibility of an emerging love connection remains viable.”

All that said, in order for a hookup to turn into something else (which could mean happily ever after…or at least a second date), certain components must be in place. If you’re thinking your fling could become a real thing, keep the following in mind.

Closely examine what led to the hookup

“What a neat concept right? Start with someone you barely know or are just getting to know, add some attraction, mix in a bit of chemistry (with perhaps a splash of Patron or Pinot Noir), two tablespoons of lowered inhibitions, two teaspoons of trust, shake well over a cool night out and voila! You just made a perfect ‘Hookup’ – real adults making real decisions,” says Dr. Ish Major, a psychiatrist and author of Little White Whys: A Woman’s Guide Through the Lies Men Tell and Why.

Sometimes a hookup is literally just two people who meet in a bar and decide to go at it. Other times, it’s two people who’ve known each other for a while and suddenly find themselves naked. The danger lies in determining the motive behind the hookup. If one person is crushin’ on the other and thinks a hookup is the way to “hook” ‘em…get ready for some tears.

If you both are truly okay with the situation, however, then the “no pressure” attitude may be what allows things to continue down the road. “This is one situation where most guys’ favorite line truly applies: ‘It is what it is,’” says Dr. Major. “It can be a great thing if you’re mature enough to handle what it means. But what does it mean? Well that’s just it. It could mean something. It could mean nothing.”

Before you broach the subject of making the quantum leap from doin’-the-deed to dating, really spend some time analyzing what brought you two to this point…whether it’s alcohol, chemistry, desire, a need to be touched, a hope for more, etc…. The clearer you are as to how the hookup happened, the better your chances for shifting into another scenario with eyes wide open.

Listen…REALLY listen

If you decide you’d like to take a booty-call to a more serious level, realize your partner may or may not have the same idea in mind.  As you make your intention known listen carefully to how he/she responds.  “Often our hope for where we’d like a relationship to go taints our perception of the realities in front of us—particularly in our ability to accurately interpret conversations,” says Dr. Anderson. “For example, she says, ‘I don’t see us moving in that direction’ yet he hears, ‘Give it time.  We could end up dating.’  Or she interprets his, ‘You’re pretty sexy’ as ‘I see you as the mother of my children.’”

There is always the possibility that someone can change their mind, but you would be wise not to get your hopes up and to proceed for now as if what the other person says is an immutable truth so you can make the healthiest decisions for yourself about continuing with this situation…or not.

Take responsibility for your decision

If you decide to roll the dice and see if a committed romantic relationship can develop from a hookup, be sure you take full responsibility for putting your heart on the line.  Know you’re taking a chance and nothing’s guaranteed.  “If he/she loves the idea of moving forward, great! But if he/she doesn’t come around, you need to keep your emotions in check,” says Dr. Anderson. “It’s not fair to lash out at someone for failing to get on board with a program he/she never endorsed in the first place.”

Relationships make you vulnerable. There is no way around it. There is no reward without risk…just remember that you’re opening yourself to the possibility of hurt so be prepared for either outcome and make sure you can handle it before diving in.

Leave the analyzing to psychologists 

When relationships fail to develop as we’d like them to, we often begin ‘arm chair’ psychoanalysis in efforts to figure out particular psychological barriers that might stand in the way.  “We decide he’s commitment phobic due to his parents’ divorce or she’s afraid of dating a nice guy because her father was never around so she’s only comfortable with emotionally unavailable men,” says Dr. Anderson. “Remember, even if you correctly unearth the rationale behind your partner’s reticence to move the relationship toward commitment, it’s not going to change anything.  Your brilliant assessment won’t get you any closer to your goal.”

Making excuses for a partner and/or “hanging in there” won’t change your status. It takes two to tango…and they need to be dancing the same steps.

Remember, you could be wrong 

When so much titillating chemistry abounds in the sack, it is natural to assume this same energy would exist in the other realms of the relationship, if only he/she would give it a chance.  “Frankly, you could be dead wrong.  Many couples resonate on a physical level but lack compatibility in other key areas of life,” says Dr. Anderson. “His smoldering, brooding, edgy demeanor may generate heat the bedroom, but if you were dating, this same reclusiveness would likely prove exhausting if he refused to attend any of your friends’ dinner parties—or worse, he joins you but insists on holding counter-culture court and spewing three-hour-long ideological rants while guests choke down tiramisu.”

Physical chemistry is vitally important in a relationship and can be a great start towards something long term, but keep in mind it’s not everything.

Don’t try to change them and never ever change who your are

It’s disappointing when we hold a vision of what could be but our partner fails to see things in the same light.At these times we may be tempted to tweak or adjust qualities about ourselves.  “She thinks, ‘If it’s just my tendency to chatter too much, I can stop that. That’s an easy fix.’  Or he reasons, ‘She’s into macho-type guys. I can always join a UFC Fight Club,”says Dr. Anderson.

Small alterations seem benign at first, but there adjustments never work and ultimately they steer us away from who we are and who we’re meant to be (and be with). Eventually, you’ll resent him/her for “making” you change or for lacking the ability to appreciate you as is. Aren’t you really looking for someone who loves and accepts the authentic you, not some fabricated version?

Also, if you catch yourself thinking that this person would be great if they’d change x, y, and z…keep in mind that people rarely change at the core. A better bet is to try to discern if these traits are things you can truly live with long term. If not, trying to turn this romp into a relationship might not be realistic.

Examine what it takes for a couple to be truly happy

If you explore what it takes for a couple to be happy…truly happy, there are certain things that must be present. Dr. Ish says that this list includes attraction, transparency, honesty, compromise, acceptance (not trying to change each other), setting goals for the relationship, boundaries (keeping others out of your relationship) and knowing when it’s time to walk away.

“Now here’s the weird thing…these are almost the exact same  ingredients for a perfect ‘Hookup’!” says Dr. Ish. “So, while it may not follow the natural order of a traditional relationship, hookup to happiness is definitely possible. It takes two adults willing to be honest with themselves about what the situation is and what it is not. If a deeper connection is found down the road then that’s just what it is…a connection!”  And isn’t finding that –regardless of how you  got there –really the whole point?

This article orginally ran on Match.com’s HAPPEN:  http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12540/From-Hookup-To-Happily-Ever-After/