Spotting a Commitment-Ready Man Online

This article originally ran on Match.com’s HAPPEN magazine but the info is so important we wanted to share it with more Dating Divas! Here’s the unedited version!

Online Dating! Will He Commit?

Tips (and red flags) to help women suss out which profiles scream “Keeper”

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Looking for the one? Welcome to the cyber searching sisterhood!  Though there may be an exception or two, most women who venture into the world of online dating are looking for a relationship that could lead to something long term. In other words, women tend to think: I post, therefore I’m seriously seeking.

Unfortunately in yet another glaring difference between the sexes, men tend to view the Internet dating phenomenon a little differently. Yes, there are men online looking for exactly the same thing as you (i.e. a long term partner in crime). But there are also guys who now think of their computer as the greatest hookup tool ever. In other words: I post, therefore I’m SO available.

In researching my book The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will – or Won’t – Love, Honor and Marry You (Adams Media, December 2008), this latest development in the land of dating discrepancies became rather evident. It’s “viva la difference” with a PC (or possibly Mac) twist. However, in talking to women and online success stories, it does seem that there are some indicators to help you discern which guys might be commitment ready and which ones are merely cyber-cruising. Check his profile for these clues as you cast your net on the Net.

Commitment Check: What’s his “status”?

The first thing that you must determine when searching for a commitment-ready man online is if he’s actually available to commit.  If his profile says “Never Married” most women will automatically assume he’s single and looking. But don’t assume that means he’s looking for commitment. Some of those Never Marrieds might also be players or vulnera-phobics (men with a fear of the vulnerability that comes with intimacy), or both!

That’s why it’s important to look for other clues in his profile text as well. Does he specifically mention he’s seeking a long-term relationship?  Is he interested in meeting people with more depth than those he’s been finding in the bar scene?  Has he mentioned being in a committed relationship before but now finds himself single and looking for the one? These may all be indicators that he’s ready to commit (or at least getting there) and is using the Web to approach dating in a more targeted rather than general manner (i.e. he’s looking on the Internet to try and find a really good match, not just ANY match).

Red flags in this area include men who make mention of recently getting out of a long term relationship (including some “Divorced” status dudes) and say they’re now “hoping to have fun.” That screams “I’m looking for my rebound girl” and most women know that the rebound rarely ends up with the ring!

Also keep in mind that “Separated” still means “technically unavailable.” While this doesn’t mean that a positive outcome isn’t possible, women looking for a commitment must remember that this is a more complicated cyber-dating scenario from the get-go. Dating a separated man necessitates some sleuthing in those first interactions, like finding out just how separated he is. In other words, is there a divorce pending?  Or in the worst case scenario, has he remembered to tell his wife (i.e. Mr. Not-So-Separated who is just playing online)? If commitment is your goal, you don’t want to be the “game.”

Additionally, if you see the word “casual” in there, be wary of the context. Some men may swear they’re not into casual dating (i.e. they want a LTR), but…a lot of men differentiate that from casual sex. Any man looking for a “casual situation” is probably not a good commitment risk at this point.

Commitment Check: How does he present himself photographically?

When it comes to gauging commitment, you might think a photo wouldn’t mean a thing but actually a man’s photo selection can give you a lot of information about his commitment personality and LTR potential. For example, the guy who posts a picture of himself in a tuxedo at his friend’s wedding is not only trying to show you he can “clean up well” (i.e. he’s attempting to demonstrate that he won’t embarrass you when you’re out), but also…if his buddies are starting to commit, well…let’s just say that could mean he’ll be more receptive to the idea at some point.

Pictures with other women (and we’re not talking his Mom or sister here). Puh-lease. Bad sign. As if he couldn’t find another photo?  It’s still not a great choice if he crops out the other women. Anyone who is seriously looking doesn’t need to display how popular he is with the ladies.

A guy who posts himself half-naked or perhaps lying in a bed (even if he’s clothed)…ummm, do we have to spell it out? Yes, his abs may be smokin’ hot but if he wants to show off all his hard work at the gym, there are more subtle ways to do that which don’t shout his underlying intentions (i.e. a photo of him participating in his favorite sport for example or playing on the beach with friends). Guys who are looking for something more serious are probably going to try and present themselves well…in a manner befitting someone who could be a husband, not just a bedmate.

Commitment Check: Does he mention family/friends/children/faith positively?

If a man is close to his family and friends, then he knows what it means to be loyal. So a man that mentions how important these people are in his life is also a man that probably knows what it means to be committed to his partner. It shows that he’s not afraid to have intimate ties with others and that he knows how to connect.

You might also glean some information from his feelings on the “children” question. If he talks positively about any nieces or nephews he has, then he’s probably open to the idea of having kids of his own someday (and that is usually something a commitment-minded man would like to do with a long-term partner).  Also, the man who says “Yes, Definitely” in answer to the “Do you want kids?” section of the profile is likely in a different place than the one who says “Someday” or “No.”

No kids or familial mentions in the profile? Well, before you write him off completely, what about pets?  If a man at least mentions having a caring relationship with “man’s best friend” then he knows something about nurturing.

Closely related here is if he has some kind of ethical standard by which he lives. Studies have shown that men with a strong moral code (be it religious or otherwise) are more likely to eventually commit to a woman. So, if he mentions his faith and that’s important to you as well, could be a good sign.

“One of the things that really stood out in my fiancé Tony’s profile was that he did mention how close he was to his family and that he attended church every week,” says Christie, 33, New York, NY. “I just sensed that a man who could make a commitment to his relatives and his religion could also make a commitment to me and I was right…we’re getting married this November!”

Commitment Check: How much does he mention his work?

No doubt men usually derive much sense of self from their work so it’s only natural that he might mention something about his job in his profile. But, a man who is all consumed with his career (i.e. workaholic) is probably not going to have time to truly develop a relationship with a woman. Take a careful look at his profile to see if he keeps mentioning how he doesn’t have time to date because he’s so busy with work. While this can be a legitimate excuse for having trouble meeting people (i.e. no time to hit the bar scene after work), too much emphasis on his lack of availability may be a commitment red flag.

On the flip side, if a man makes mention of the fact that he’s still trying to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up or that he’s had trouble sticking with one job or career choice, this is also probably a man who has had trouble sticking with one woman or making up his mind if a committed relationship is something he desires.

The best commitment risks are probably those men who mention trying to find a healthy balance between work and play. That man will have time to earn his paycheck and spend some of it on you!

Commitment Check: How long has his profile been up and how often is he active?

He’s hot. He seems to have a good job. He can spell. He’s saying all the right things in his profile. And yet, he’s been posted for months (or even years – yes, I’ve seen a couple of the same profiles online for 5 years or more written by guys who are WAY too perfect to be single THAT long).  What gives?  Well, this is potentially one of those men who is enjoying ALL the fish in the proverbial online sea of women. In other words, he knows how to hook them and his cyber skills are making him less likely to settle on just one femme at this point.

While sometimes it can be a good sign if a guy is active because it means he’s actually checking his account and potentially looking for dates, the man who never updates his profile and is there for months and months and months (even though he looks like a super catch)…well, it might behoove you to wonder why.

“I would definitely say to track the amount a guy is online,” says Karrie, 35, New York, NY. “If his profile looks good, and it sounds like he wants a relationship, you might want to watch him for a couple of weeks or more. See if his profile is constantly active. A guy who is dating and looking for a relationship would probably not be so active.”

Someone who is looking for a real relationship will try to take it offline –not just stay suspended in cyberspace indefinitely.

Commitment Check:  What is he seeking in his match?

The commitment ready man is usually a man who has dated enough to know what he is truly seeking. He’s had some dating experience and now has a sense of what works for him, what traits he’s attracted to and with whom he can see himself having a future. While everyone knows type can vary, this is definitely a section you’ll want to check out when looking at his profile. A man serious about finding someone for more than a fling is likely going to spend a little more time describing his ideal match. Why?  He’s not just looking for any woman, he’s looking for THE woman.  A guy who says he’s fine dating someone ranging from age 21-60 in any height range with any body type? There’s a good chance he’s either fishing for a hookup or too lazy to fill out his entire profile (neither scenario bodes well for commitment).

Bottom line? You deserve someone who is looking specifically for YOU!